i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize