A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
