I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Randomize
