Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
She's the barista slut.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
