he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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