Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
