god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
