i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
