Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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