You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
