Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
Just pee around me
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I need a beard to bite.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
