a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
My breasts were aching with rage.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
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