my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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