She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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