Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Randomize
