She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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