so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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