based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
