you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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