you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
