You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
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