Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
All the doctor said was why
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
