Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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