i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
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