I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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