Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
