Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
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