is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
