The maid of honor just puked.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
