It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize