I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
