dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I need to sanitize my soul.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Randomize
