i think i have two assholes
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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