the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
