I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
O no, u 2 are dating again?
No. I just masturbate furiously to his picture
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
