Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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