My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
