i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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