I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize