What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
