just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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