I accidentally burped into my bong.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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