maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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