Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
