is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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