just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
it was like eating out sand paper
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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