she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
