i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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