I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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