remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
