I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
