not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
