I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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