I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
