If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
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