My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Randomize
