I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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