who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
