after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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