just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
