Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
