My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
