If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
