if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
