why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
