I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
