I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize