Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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