apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
