if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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