I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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