On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Randomize