It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
