My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
