dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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