Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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