I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
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