apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
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